Heavy
by Sweet Lunacy
Summary: Title taken from Melissa Etheridge's "Ain't It Heavy". Sam is struggling with a secret crush on Carly. And it's weighing very heavily on her. Rated for language and some sexual content.
1. Covered

**A/N: I own nothing. If I did, Seddie would have prevailed. Enjoy.**

Carly came rushing up to me in the hallway as soon as class ended and as soon as our eyes met, I could tell something was wrong. Her dark eyes were shining with tears that threatened to fall, and the expression on her face could only be described as heartbreak.

"What's wrong?"

"Josh broke up with me."

My eyes widened and I struggled to keep the surprise off my face. Josh and Carly had been dating for six months, and I had really thought that maybe this would be the guy for her. I fought to find my voice and when I finally did, it was softer than I'd intended it to be.

"Oh, Carly."

I held out my arms and she rushed into them, resting her head on my shoulder. I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt and I ran a hand over her long hair. I knew I should be saying something, offering her some kind of support, but all I could think of was how amazing she smelled. Lavender and vanilla consumed my senses. Simply intoxicating. She finally seemed to be calming down and when she began to pull away, my face fell.

"Thanks for listening. Sorry for crying all over your shirt."

I smiled.

"It's okay, Carly."

She gave me a sad smile, and though her face was streaked with tears, she had never looked more beautiful to me. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and never let her go. To wipe away her tears and protect her from everything. Of course, I could never tell her this. As she put her books into her locker and walked away, I waved once, hoping that just maybe, I could get past the way I'd been feeling over the past six years.

It had started not long after we had turned eleven. Carly had come to school one morning, and something about her had changed. She had gotten taller, her dark hair seemed to be made of silk, her eyes were filled with a light that came from within, her hips were rounder, and don't even get me started on her breasts. They were simply perfect. Even her lips had changed. They were softer, fuller. I wanted nothing more to feel them on my own.

I had tried to fight the way I was feeling, but it had become increasingly obvious that it was no use. Over the years, I watched her date guy after guy, always giving everything she had and still getting her heart broken. Not that it mattered. I was just her friend. She would never think of me as anything more. I had accepted it, yes, but that didn't make it any easier.

Sometimes, I would steal away into my fantasy world where we could be together. I'd come home from a long day of work. She'd be in the kitchen trying to cook something, and I would lovingly wrap my arms around her from behind and she'd look at me with such love and adoration that my heart would almost burst. I wanted the same thing that everyone else wanted: a place of my own, where I could be with the girl I loved, maybe with a dog or a cat, where I could love and be loved with no fear. Was that really so much to ask?

A sudden noise behind me caused me to jump slightly and swear. I whirled around and found myself looking into a different pair of brown eyes.

"Dammit, don't do that," I snapped.

"Sorry. Where's Carly?"

"She left already. Josh broke up with her."

"Oh, no. Is she okay?"

I nodded.

"She wasn't at first, but I think she will be soon. She just needs some time."

"Don't forget, we have iCarly rehearsals later tonight."

"Yeah, whatever."

"See you later, Sam."

"Later, Freddork," I called over my shoulder.

Of everyone in my life, I never would have expected His Royal Nubbiness to be the one that I would have confided my deepest darkest secret to, but there you have it. In my defense, he'd caught me off guard, but I have to admit, it was better than having it all bottled up inside me. I knew all too well that I didn't deal with pent up emotions in a healthy way. Unless you considered being artistically creative with a knife healthy, which it was, in my opinion.

Carly would have never believed it of me, but the scars covering my arms, legs and stomach would be all the proof she'd need. Once I'd gotten extremely creative and carved words into my skin. Those scars had faded long ago, and I was profoundly glad. I had no idea how I would have explained it to Carly otherwise. Freddie had seen the scars one night when I'd been sitting out on the fire escape of Bushwell Plaza, and had demanded to know what was going on.

On any other night, I would have told him to go fuck himself, but I had been feeling unusually needy that particular time. I caved. Told him everything. My love for Carly, the way my lazy ass mother ignored me, my _perfect_ sister at her _perfect _boarding school with her _perfect_ grades, all of it. I could never tell Carly. She would hate me. She'd never understand.

I'd always known, on some level, that I was different. I had dated boys, sure. There had even been one or two that I had been very serious about. When I had been sixteen, there had been a guy that I had planned to marry. I even bought the dress. Obviously, I'd never used it, and I had already decided that Melanie could have the dress when the time came for her if she wanted it. If not, I'd sell it. I had always been able to appreciate the beauty of other women, though I had never expected it meant more. When I could deny my feelings for Carly no longer, I had to accept the fact that I wasn't what people would call "straight". I suppose the technical term would be "bisexual", but I don't see the need to label myself. I am who I am, and nothing can change it.

I wished that I could tell Carly, but I just know she'd hate me. She'd think I was disgusting, just like my mother did. The only person in my family that had accepted me was Melanie, and that meant more to me than I'd ever admit. Freddie had been okay with it, hadn't even really seemed surprised, and that was an unexpected comfort. A part of me actually loved him for that.

I stepped outside into the cold December air and looked up at the snow that had begun falling. It was just a light snow, not enough to cancel school tomorrow, and I closed my eyes. I tipped my head back and smiled to myself. I loved the rain and snow; I just hated the cold weather that accompanied the latter. I made my way to my dented and scratched car and slid into the driver's seat.

Once I turned the key, my CD player came on, the angst-filled and longing voice of Melissa Etheridge filling my ears and I sighed. We were alike, Melissa and I. Both longing for a love that we would probably never have, and all we could do was hold on to that slight hope. As I pulled out of the parking lot, the song switched and the pure crystal voice of Hayley Westenra soared through the speakers.

_What you never know won't hurt you unless you try…_

"You can say that again," I murmured softly.

The snow was beginning to stick to the ground and I briefly wondered what would happen if I were to lie down in the middle of the park and simply let the snow consume me. Suddenly, more than anything, I wanted to be left alone. In the snow. Covered.

**A/N: Review?**


	2. Explode

**A/N: I still own nothing. Except Jennette McCurdy's album, which is amazing. **

"So, until next time—"

"Hug a cow—"

"Slap your grandma—"

"Eat a pillow—"

"And stuff a chicken!"

"And, we're clear."

I broke my pose, and Carly turned to me, hugging me tightly. I inhaled sharply and held my breath. I could see Freddelupe watching me out of the corner of his eye and I fought the urge to flip him off. It had been two days since Carly and Josh had broken up and though she seemed to be improving, I was still concerned for my best friend. I was also giving a normal relationship another try, this time with a guy named Jeff. I had met him in detention yesterday, and had been instantly curious about him.

He had simply been lying on the floor of the classroom after Mr. Howard had left, not saying a word, not even looking at anyone. I walked over to him and nudged him with my foot.

"What?"

"You're in my way."

It was true. He was blocking my desk, and while I didn't care about Howard's rules of sitting silently, I was tired of standing.

"Step over me, then."

I considered this. Was he joking? I didn't really think so, but even if he was, I didn't give a damn.

"Fine."

I stepped over him and sat down at my desk, thankful that I never wore dresses or skirts. He turned his head to look at me through half-closed eyes.

"You're Sam. From iCarly."

I didn't answer.

"I'm Jeff."

"Good for you. That's a weird name. Why are you here?"

"Skipped class," he answered.

"No, idiot, I meant why are you lying on the floor?"

"Oh," he said sheepishly, "Getting up was too much effort."

I laughed. Guy had a good point. Since he didn't seem to be interested in saying much more, I decided to take the time to get a better look at him. He was tall, slightly athletic looking, he had light brown hair, and from what little I had seen of them, his eyes looked to be green. He wasn't bad looking at all, not really.

The rest of the detention passed slowly and as I stood up and stepped over Jeff, who still hadn't moved, I heard voice call my name. I turned.

"Want to hang out sometime?"

I paused, cautious. Was he serious? Or was this simply another joke to make Sam Puckett look like a pathetic loser who couldn't get a date?

"And do what?"

"I dunno. Whatever you want."

Knowing I would probably regret it, and already planning out my revenge, I smiled.

"Sure."

The date had been extremely ordinary, dinner and a movie. He paid, which surprised me, as did the movie we had gone to see. It had been some zombie slasher called _Night of Savages, _and even though the name had sucked, the movie wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. He had laughed at the way I put away two buckets of popcorn after eating almost an entire pig at the restaurant, and when he dropped me off at the Shay's apartment (I was too embarrassed to let him take me home), he had kissed me good night. It had been a nice kiss, not too rushed, not too sloppy. He didn't try to shove his tongue down my throat or grab my ass, but that was it. There had been no tingling feeling in my chest, no real desire to do anything more. It had been like kissing Freddie that first time. Nice, but nothing special.

Now as I stood in Carly's room waiting for her to get out of the shower so we could go to the Groovy Smoothie, I was trying to distract myself. I was thinking about ham, about shoving Fredduccine's head in a locker, anything but Carly being naked in the shower. Finally, I wandered into the living room and turned on the TV to watch reruns of _Girly Cow_ until she was ready. Anything was better than the thoughts going through my head.

"Sam? Where'd you go?"

"Out here, Carls!"

She walked into the living room wearing her bathrobe and toweling her hair dry. She had no makeup on, her hair was wet and curling slightly, but she looked simply amazing. I was willing to bet there was nothing on under that bathrobe.

"Hey, Sam, I was thinking."

"Oh, great."

"Why don't we just forget about smoothies? We can stay here and just hang out. Have some girl time. Just you and me."

She was so close to me now that I could smell her soap, and I turned away, closing my eyes. It wasn't until I felt her hand brushing back my hair that I opened them. She was close enough now that it was driving me absolutely crazy. I couldn't think about anything. All that I could see was her. When her lips met mine, I couldn't have even told anyone what my name was. Her lips were so soft, so warm, everything I'd always imagined they would be. She tasted like peppermint toothpaste, and I never wanted the moment to end. I moaned softly, and I felt for the tie of her bathrobe. It opened instantly, and I was happy to see that I had been right. She was gloriously naked. One of my hands moved to her hair and held her closer to me while the other one moved up to cup her breast. She sighed and tilted her head back, giving me better access to her milky white throat. I kissed her and sucked the flesh gently, unable to focus on anything but her and the way I was feeling. I claimed her lips again with my own, and she ran her tongue along my bottom lip, asking a silent question. I opened my mouth, granting her entrance—

"Sam! Where'd you go?"

My eyes flew open. I was sitting on the Shay's couch, the TV running quietly in the background. I looked around and saw that I was thankfully alone.

"Out here, Carls," I answered softly.

Damn. It had all been a stupid daydream. But it had seemed so _real_. Dammit, why did my mind do this to me? It just wasn't fair. Wait, what was I saying? I shouldn't be doing this. Carly was my best friend. Besides, I was dating Jeff. I sighed as Carly came out, fully dressed, and asked if I was ready to go for a smoothie. I nodded, trying to stop my hands from shaking, and waiting for my heart to explode.

**A/N: Review?**


	3. Human Nature

**A/N: As always, I own nothing. If I did, I'd have more than $9.63 in my bank account (yes, I'm dead serious).**

It was almost midnight before I made it home. I opened the door quietly, trying not to wake my mother, and as I took in my surroundings, I sighed to myself. Empty beer and liquor bottles littered the floor and covered every other surface. Dirty dishes were piled at least ten feet high in the sink. As usual, my mother was passed out on the couch, and didn't stir as I picked my way to my room. Jeff had dropped me off at Carly's and when I decided at the last minute to head home, it was with serious misgivings.

"Sam, you don't have to go. You can stay here for the night. Spencer doesn't mind," Carly had said.

"No, Carls. I should really get home and make sure my mom hasn't choked on her own vomit."

What I didn't add was that I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her at that particular moment. It had taken everything I had not to kiss her, and I couldn't risk that. I had to get out of there. Fast. I could have told her, _should _have told her, but I couldn't bear the thought of her hating me. I needed her too much. I depended on her. So, as much as I had wanted to stay, I forced myself to walk home in the freezing rain, hoping that I didn't die before I made it.

I turned on the light and looked around, struck (not for the first time) by the cleanliness of the room. It wasn't spotless by any means, but in comparison to the rest of the house, it was perfect. I know I have a reputation for being messy, but if anyone knew how organized I really was, they'd swear I was Melanie. It was kind of amusing to me, actually.

No sooner had I crashed into my bed did my phone begin to ring. I sighed and looked at the caller ID. Jeff. I opened the text message and read silently, moving my lips with the words.

**Where r u?**

_**Home, **_I answered.

**We need 2 tlk asap**

_**K. **_

I groaned. This didn't sound good. It never does.

I hadn't seen Jeff all day. Not even during lunch, which had me worried. Usually, I'd at least see him in the line for food, regardless of whether he sat with us or not. I had been thinking about his texts all night, and I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. No one ever says "We need to talk" if it's not something bad. At least, not that I've ever known.

When I made it to my locker, Carly was just getting ready to leave. She smiled and waved when she saw me. She had made a surprising comeback after Josh, and even though she wasn't seeing anyone yet, I could tell she was happier. Truth be told, I would be crushed when she did finally find someone else, but I'd rather give up ham than tell her that.

"Hey, Sam! You wanna go grab a smoothie?"

I shook my head.

"I'll have to meet you there. Jeff is supposed to meet me here. Says we need to talk."

This was a lie. I had no idea if Jeff was planning on coming to my locker, but I intended to wait here until I found him.

"Uh oh…that doesn't sound good."

"Yeah, I know. But, as long as Mama can still eat ham, it's all good."

Carly laughed and walked away, no doubt going to meet up with the nub for a smoothie. I sighed and waited, wondering how long I'd be here looking for Jeff.

"Sam?"

Apparently not long.

"Hey. Sup?"

"We need to talk."

"I know. You said that last night."

He sighed. This clearly wasn't easy for him, but what did I care? Being dumped wasn't easy for me, either.

"This isn't going to work."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. When I didn't reply, Jeff continued.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I can't be with you when you're in love with someone else."

My eyes widened.

"W-what? I'm not—I mean—'

"Save it, Sam. It's okay. I don't blame you for it. You'd never be happy with me, anyway. Not while you still have these feelings. But, we can still be friends, I hope?"

I nodded again. I supposed I could do that. After all, it's not like I had planned on marrying the guy. Not like before. He gave me a hug and turned to walk away. Just before he was out of earshot, he turned around to face me.

"Just a little friendly advice: tell her."

He was gone. I couldn't move. How did he know? Were my feelings for Carly really so obvious? I sighed. Even though I hadn't really been in love with Jeff, his leaving still hurt. I was more in love with the roles we played for each other. I had assigned him the role of my boyfriend. It was his job to make me feel like I was capable of having a "normal relationship". I, in the role of girlfriend, would be seen as having what every girl wanted: someone to love her, to protect her, to want her. He was my last chance, and it failed horribly.

All I had ever wanted was someone that I could love and that loved me. But it was time to stop hiding it. I couldn't pretend anymore. I had to accept that I was different. It was time to accept that I would never be satisfied in a relationship with a handsome man, wearing cute little dresses, or spending hours in front of a mirror getting ready for a date. So I wanted to be happy. That wasn't a crime. Yes, I wanted a relationship with someone who could never want me, another girl, no less, but really what I wanted was to be happy. It was only human nature.

**A/N: Review?**


	4. Disdain

**A/N: I know it's a bit shorter than the other chapters, but I wrote it when I was waiting for my partner to come home from work, so I was a bit distracted. As always, I sadly own nothing.**

Freddie was watching me. Not saying a word, not doing anything, really. Just watching. It was beginning to get on my nerves. We'd been waiting for Carly at the Groovy Smoothie for the better part of 45 minutes and we were both starting to become worried. Of course, knowing Carly, she had probably found a sale at the mall that she just had to clean out.

"Carly told me about Jeff."

"You've been sitting here for 45 minutes and _that's_ the first thing you say to me?"

He shrugged.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry it didn't work out."

I stared at him. Who the hell did he think he was? I didn't need his pity.

"Shut up."

"Sam, I was just trying to help—"

"Well, stop. I'm fine without Jeff. Jeff was no big loss. Really."

"Did he say why?"

I nodded.

"Said he couldn't be with me when I was in love with someone else. So he left."

"Did you tell Carly that?"

I shook my head. Was he insane? How could I tell my best friend that the reason my boyfriend left me was because I was in love with her? That would ruin everything. I needed Carly in my life. Was Freddie trying to ruin my life? It sure seemed like it. During my inner monologue, I had been staring intently into my smoothie, one of T-Bo's latest experiments, and only looked up when I heard the king of the nubs say my name.

"What?"

"I said, you really need to tell her. You can't keep this to yourself anymore. It's driving you nuts."

I laughed bitterly.

"How do I do that? How can I possibly look my best friend in the eye and tell her that I've loved her since we were eleven? How do I tell her that my boyfriend broke up with me because even he could see that I wasn't into him? That all I want to do is kiss her and hold her, to make her love me?"

"I dunno, Sam."

"Did you really mean that?"

Shit. Freddie and I turned at the sound and there she was. She was staring intently at me, her brown eyes never leaving my face. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. Freddie was looking back and forth between Carly and me, obviously waiting for me to answer, but my voice seemed to be lost. My vocal cords refused to cooperate. I nodded mutely, still looking into her eyes.

"Oh."

That was all. No recognition of what I'd just said other than that one simple word. She turned and made her way back to the door, and suddenly I knew I couldn't let her walk away like that.

"Carly, wait!"

She paused, and sighed before she spoke.

"I need to think, okay?"

She didn't look at me. I could feel Freddie's eyes on me, but I just nodded in Carly's general direction. When she had gone, I kept my eyes glued to the table, unable to do anything but sit in numb shock.

"Sam?"

Damn. Freddie.

"Save it."

I pushed my chair back and walked as quickly as I could to the door. I made it to my car and flung myself into the driver's seat. The music that blasted from my stereo seemed to be in sync with my mind and as I listened, I felt my eyes fill with tears.

_Save all your prayers  
I think we've lost today  
There's no morning after  
No one's around to blame_

_I'm not afraid to bleed  
But I would do it for you_

I wiped my eyes furiously and pulled out of the Groovy Smoothie so fast that my tires squealed on the pavement. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't really care. Some twenty minutes later, I found myself sitting in the park, my heart still pounding and my mind racing frantically. I headed down to my favourite place, a tiny pond that hardly anyone ever visited.

The cold winter wind whipped my hair around me as I sat at the water's edge. December had turned the water into silver frosted ice, and I ran a solitary finger over the smooth surface. I kept seeing Carly's face in my mind, but I couldn't quite name the expression that had lingered there. Without really thinking, I stood and placed a tentative foot on the ice. I applied more weight, and took another shaky step. As I slowly made my way farther out, I recalled the lyrics to an old Joni Mitchell song.

_I wish I had a river I could skate away on…_

I replayed Carly's words in my mind, seeing her beautiful face, and I just couldn't believe that I'd ruined the friendship that we'd shared. How could I have been so damn stupid? I kept moving and slipped, nearly losing my balance, and stood still for a moment, praying that I wouldn't fall. I took another step and as the ice cracked beneath my feet, I was finally able to name the expression on Carly's face. Disdain.

**A/N: The lyrics that Sam's listening to in her car are from the song "Dead End" by In Flames. Review?**


	5. Just Breathe

**A/N: Sorry for the length between updates. Between work and my recent breakup, things have been hectic in my life. I'm halfway finished with the next chapter, though. Hopefully it won't be as long of a wait this time. As always, I own nothing.E xcept Annie. She's mine.**

The pain was intense. Thousands of knives were stabbing my body, and I tried to scream. I drew in a breath and a fresh wave of pain crashed over me. I couldn't move, couldn't scream. I could feel my body going numb, and suddenly the pain didn't seem to matter so much. I was floating now. Nothing could hurt me. There was a sweet blackness dancing at the edge of my vision. I was so close to it, I could almost reach out and touch it. It was just beginning to cover me when I felt hands reach under my arms and pull me out of the water.

I could hear someone saying something, but my foggy mind couldn't quite put the sounds together in the correct order. It was like trying to listen to a radio that wasn't working as it should. After a few minutes, I was able to make out my name, and not long after that I was able to put a name to the voice. Freddie. But what was he doing here?

I coughed and sat up shakily. Now that I was out of the numbing water, the icy wind whipping around me was so cold that I could hardly stand it. Freddie held out his hand and even though I hated to do it, I accepted it. He led me down to my car, and I noticed his own was parked next to it. He opened his door and pushed me in, ignoring my protests.

"Sam, what in the world were you _doing_ out here? You could have been killed!"

Though my teeth were chattering and I couldn't stop shaking, I glared at him. I hadn't planned on the ice breaking. Didn't he know that?

"I d-didn't do it on p-purpose."

Thankfully, the heat was blasting in his car, and as he began to put the car in drive, my eyes widened.

"What are you d-doing? What about my car?"

"I'll come back later with Carly and get it," he answered.

For a while, we drove in silence, and I had almost fallen asleep when Freddie's voice made my eyes snap open.

"You didn't do it on purpose, did you? It wasn't because of what went on at the Groovy Smoothie?"

I sighed.

"No, Freddie. If I had wanted to do that, I would have just crashed my car or something."

I saw him glance over at me worriedly, but I tried to ignore it. It vaguely occurred to me that I had no idea where we were going. Normally I crashed at Carly's, but given the recent events, I doubted she'd want me to be anywhere near her.

"Where are we going, Fredward?"

"My house."

"Oh."

We drove the rest of the way in silence, but when we got to Bushwell Plaza, we ran into Spencer in the hallway outside the Shay's apartment.

"Sam! What happened to you? You're all wet and stuff."

I shook my head, and Freddie began to explain that I had fallen through some thin ice. As they were speaking, I glanced up through my wet hair and noticed a pair of brown eyes looking at me through a crack in the doorway. Carly.

Even thinking her name hurt. How could I have ever thought that this would work out? Carly would never feel that way about me, and I needed to accept it. So why was it so damn _hard_? I decided that the easiest thing for me to do would be to pretend that I didn't see her. It was easier said than done. I could feel her eyes watching me, and I fought to keep my eyes on the ground.

After Spencer and Freddie finally shut up, the nub and I made our way inside his apartment, which was mercifully empty. I doubted that I could have dealt with his crazy mother right then. It was bad enough that I had to be this close to him. I couldn't believe the way things were turning out. Why couldn't I just be a normal teenage girl and have crushes on the hot guys at school? But no, I had to be crushing on my best friend, a _girl_, and make a huge mess of everything.

"Sam?"

I glanced up. I could feel the tears in my eyes, and that only made me angrier. Was there no end to my weakness?

"It's going to be okay. You know that, right? Carly's your best friend. She loves you."

I scoffed.

"Well, maybe not the way you want her to love you, but she does love you."

I nodded, starting to walk away.

"Where are you going?"

"Fire escape."

I ignored Freddie's protests and the sound of him calling my name. I had to get out of there. The walls were closing in on me, and I couldn't breathe. As I made my way out onto the fire escape, I furiously wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to think of anything but Carly. Fuck. This was maddening.

"Hey, you're in my spot."

I whirled around. The owner of this low clear voice was standing just in the shadows and stepped out slowly. She was of about medium-height, pale with super-short auburn hair and the most stunning pair of clear blue eyes that I'd ever seen. She was gorgeous. Who the hell did she think she was, though?

"I don't see your name on it," I snapped.

She pointed. I looked down at the ledge where I stood. Written in permanent marker was the name _Annie_. I smirked. Cute.

"Ha ha," I murmured sarcastically.

She smiled and bowed slightly. There was something about her that was interesting to look at. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

"Who're you?"

I was surprised. Usually, people recognized me from iCarly. This was a refreshing touch. For once, I wasn't expected to act a certain way just because of the show.

"Sam."

"Annie," she held out her hand.

I took it, taking note of her strong grip.

"I gathered."

She smiled and there seemed to pass an understanding of some sort between us. Of what, I wasn't sure, but at the moment, it didn't really matter.

"So, why are you out here in my spot?"

"I needed some air."

She smiled slightly before speaking, almost as if she were weighing her next sentence in her mind.

"So open a window."'

I laughed. She may have come across as rude at first, but the girl was okay. As I waited for her to say something, I heard footsteps behind me, and turned.

Damn.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded.

"What are you doing out here, Frednub?"

"Just checking to make sure you hadn't fallen off the building or something. After what happened earlier, I was worried."

"I'm fine, now go away."

He shrugged, and after giving me one last look, walked back into the building without another word.

"He your boyfriend?"

Shit, I'd forgotten Annie was standing behind me.

"Gross. No way."

Annie laughed and gestured to the empty space next to her. I slowly made my way over to her and when I sat down rather roughly, she laughed again.

"Very graceful."

I shrugged. Graceful and feminine is not my thing. That's more Carly than me. Fuck. _Stop it, Sam_, I was mentally screaming at myself again. I had to get Carly out of my mind. I stole a glance at Annie and noticed that she was sitting with her head tilted back, with her eyes closed. Not wanting to disturb her, I simply watched. Every now and then, a smile would come over her features, making her even more stunning. When she opened her eyes and noticed that I was watching her, I quickly tried to look at anywhere but her, sure that she would think I was a freak.

"Sorry, I kind of spaced out there for a minute."

"What were you thinking about? You seemed really into it."

"I was thinking about peace."

I frowned.

"What about it?"

"About how we always want peace in the world, but wouldn't it be great if someday there was a point in time where peace was just a word? That maybe we wouldn't have to want it because we already have it? But, to first achieve that peace in the world, I think people have to find it within themselves. Does that sound stupid?"

Actually, it sounded fucking brilliant. But, I couldn't tell her that, so I simply shook my head.

"No. You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?"

She nodded.

"I think about things like that randomly."

I smiled and when she smiled back, I felt a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was a strange nervous feeling, one that was usually only present around Carly. What was going on? I closed my eyes for a moment and reminded myself to breathe. Just breathe.

**Review?**


	6. Loneliness

**A/N: So, can anyone figure out who Annie is based on? A hint: not an actress, but a singer. **

"So, what happened earlier today?"

Annie's voice broke through my thoughts and I glanced at her. She was waiting for me to answer, a thoughtful look on her face. It was a strange expression, mainly because it was one that I wasn't used to seeing on anyone. I debated on answering her for a moment. After all, I had only met this girl about an hour ago. Was it really any of her business? Still….she was being more considerate than anyone had in a long time, not counting Freddie. I sighed.

"I fell through some thin ice. Nearly drowned."

"Woah. What were you doing on the ice?"

I shrugged.

"Just walking around. I needed to think."

"Sam?"

I turned, looking at her for the first time since I'd answered.

"I know we just met, but…would you like to talk about it?"

"No," I said quietly, "I just need to figure out how I'm going to save my friendship. Telling someone you love them when you know they don't love you can really ruin things."

"I thought you didn't want to talk about it?"

I could hear the smile in her voice. I stuck my tongue out in her general direction and heard her laugh a moment later. It was beginning to turn from cold to downright freezing, and I noticed that Annie was wearing only a long-sleeved navy shirt and a pair of jeans. She had to be frozen by now.

"Aren't you cold?"

She nodded, and suddenly I realised I could see her shaking. I moved closer to her and handed her the gloves and scarf that I had on. My coat would be enough for a while, and I wasn't planning on staying here all night.

"Thanks."

She put them on, and smiled gratefully. I tilted my head back to look at the sky and found myself thinking about our earlier conversation about peace. What Annie had said made sense. I didn't know how she planned to accomplish it, but she had a good idea. Huh. Who would have thought it? Me, Sam Puckett, seriously thinking about world peace…

A sudden pressure on my shoulder surprised me and I jumped slightly. Glancing down, I noticed my view had suddenly become redder. Annie's head was resting on my shoulder and it was a few moments before I realised that she had fallen asleep. I watched her for a bit just to make sure she was still breathing, and then placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Annie. Annie, wake up."

Her eyes opened slowly and when they finally focused on me, she jumped away as if she'd been burned.

"I'm so sorry!"

I laughed.

"It's cool. Chill."

"I'm already frozen, so no thanks."

She stood and handed me back my gloves and scarf. I took them, noticing that they were still warm.

"It was nice meeting you, Sam. Even if you were in my spot."

She shook my hand again and climbed back into the building. I followed behind her a few seconds later, and when I knocked on Freddie's door, there was a huge smile plastered on my face.

"Hey."

He stood back to let me in, and I noticed that his mum still wasn't home yet. She must've had a late shift at work. Oh, well. Better that way.

"Who was that girl out on the fire escape with you?"

"Annie."

Even as I said her name, I could feel myself smiling again.

"Ohh….you gonna ask her out?"

"What? No! She's attractive and all, but…" I trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

"But she's not Carly," Freddie finished knowingly.

I nodded.

"Besides, she probably doesn't date girls anyway. I don't need another situation like the one with Carly."

Freddie nodded understandingly, but I wasn't paying attention. My mind was back on that fire escape, replaying this strange turn of events. Suddenly, my mind went from my conversation with Annie back to Carly. How was I ever going to face her again? How were we going to keep doing iCarly? I sighed, knowing what I had to do.

I opened the door to Freddie's apartment and before I could lose my nerve, I knocked on the door of the Shay's. When Carly opened the door, her eyes widened in surprise, and I smiled nervously.

"Sam? What's going on? You never knock."

"I know, but…we need to talk."

Carly nodded, and it was only when she stepped back to let me in that I noticed her pajamas. Damn, I hadn't realised it was so late. I followed her inside, and sat down on the couch, my eyes burning a hole into the floor as I tried to keep from looking at her.

"Sam…I'm sorry for running off like I did today."

I looked up to find her staring at me, and even from where she stood, I could see the tears in her eyes.

"Carls, I—"

"Wait. Let me finish. What you said really shocked me. I never expected for you to say that you loved me. I didn't know that you were…like that. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop being your friend. I love you, Sam. Not in _that_ way, but I do love you all the same."

I nodded.

"Carls, I didn't mean for you to find out. It's not like I would have ever done anything. I know you don't date girls."

I stood up and Carly held out her arms. I allowed her to hug me, and closed my eyes, inhaling her sweet scent.

"Friends?"

I smiled.

"Friends."

As I looked into her gorgeous eyes, somehow I knew we'd be okay. We'd never be anything more than friends, but as long as I didn't lose her completely, maybe being friends would be enough to keep away the crushing loneliness.

**A/N: Review?**


	7. Why

**A/N: Has anyone figured out the pattern of the chapter titles yet? Brownie points for anyone who guesses correctly. Also, brownie points will be given to anyone who figures out who Annie is based on. **

After we had finished our latest iCarly, we decided to head to the Groovy Smoothie for many reasons. One, Spencer was in the middle of some crazy new sculpture, two, it was one place we could go and just hang out together, and the most important reason of all, I was hungry. As soon as I walked through the door, I heard someone call my name loudly. Carly and Freddie turned at the same time I did, but only my face broke into a smile.

"Hi, Annie!"

I waved her over, and when she sat next to me, I couldn't keep the smile from my face. I could tell Carly was waiting to be introduced, but Annie didn't give her time.

"Hi, I'm Annie."  
"Carly. Sam's best friend."

Annie nodded, and I frowned slightly. Why did Carly feel the need to bring up the fact that she was my best friend? Her voice was cold, and when I glanced in her direction, the look she sent me was enough to murder.

"You met Freddelupe last night. Sorta."

"If you count seeing her on the fire escape as meeting her, then sure, we've met."

'It counts," Annie and I said together.

I sighed and impatiently tapped my fingers on the table, waiting for T-Bo to come take our orders. How hard was it to walk over? Most days he was stomping around with food on sticks practically _begging_ someone to buy it. The one day I would kill for a taco on a stick…

"This is taking FOREVER," I moaned loudly.

"Just get up and walk to the counter," Carly suggested.

"I don't wanna move."

Freddie smirked.

"Now _there's_ a surprise," he muttered sarcastically.

"So, Annie, how do you know Sam?"

Annie turned to Carly and smiled before answering.

"She was in my spot on the fire escape last night."

"So you meet her just last night and now you're suddenly best friends?"

I frowned.

"I wouldn't call us best friends, but we're at least acquaintances," Annie's voice held a note of surprise.

What was Carly's problem? Annie wasn't causing any trouble by sitting here, and it's not like I was her property.

"Sam, did you want to hang out later? Maybe do something _peace_ful?"

I smiled at her double meaning.

"Sure."

I stood and when Annie started walking to the door, I followed until I heard Carly say my name from behind.

"I thought we were getting smoothies."

"Carls, we can do that later, right? The smoothies aren't going anywhere."

Carly and Freddie exchanged looks, and she sighed.

"Sure, we can do it later."

I smiled.

"Thanks, Carls. I owe you one."

Annie and I had been walking around the park for a while when I suddenly heard her say my name. I turned to find her standing just off the edge of the path and when I walked over, she quickly silenced me with a wave of her hand. I followed her pointing finger and finally saw what had captured her attention. Sleeping quietly in a patch of bare grass was a female Collie and her litter of puppies.

"Aren't they beautiful?" Annie whispered.

I nodded.

"I hope they'll be okay. It's getting really cold out."

Annie was quiet for a moment, and then pulled off her jacket. Moving as softly as she could, she gently laid the jacket around the tiny family. I watched her in awe, unable to speak. She was watching the dogs as they snuggled together under her jacket with a smile that lit up her entire face. She was fascinating to watch. I took off my scarf and gloves, just as I had the night before, and handed them over.

"Thanks."

"Annie, you have a heart of gold."

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. What was wrong with me? I'm Sam Puckett. I don't say stupid girly things like that. I don't stare at people because I'm too transfixed by their beauty to look away. That's not me at all. But something about Annie was so hypnotic. I couldn't help myself. I loved watching her, loved the way she was so enthusiastic about everything. She was amazing. God help me, I was falling for her. Hard.

Annie smiled at my words, but waved it away with her hand. There was something in her eyes that said she wasn't used to being complimented. That made me so sad that it physically hurt. Someone like Annie should be told every day that she was a good person.

"Thanks, but I just couldn't stand the thought of those poor little puppies freezing to death. It had nothing to do with a heart of gold."

I wanted nothing more than to kiss her at that moment, but I knew if I did, it would ruin everything. Her pull was so strong that it was driving me insane. I couldn't risk another blow up the way I had with Carly. I had learned my lesson. I always seemed to fall for the people that could never be with me, and I only had one thing to ask. Why?

**A/N: Review?**


	8. Chance

**A/N: So...no one has figured it out yet. Brownie points are still available for anyone who guesses the chapter title pattern and Annie's namesake. **

"Did you have fun?"

I frowned. What was with the attitude?

"What?"

"Did you have fun?" she repeated, "You and your girlfriend?"

What the hell?

"Carly, I don't have a girlfriend."

"Oh, no?" her tone was full of sarcasm, "What about _Annie_, then?"

The way she said Annie's name, so harsh and cold, was infuriating. What was her problem? I hadn't done anything wrong.

"Annie's not my girlfriend. She doesn't even go for girls."

Now, I had no idea if this was true or not, but it seemed like a good thing to say. Carly's eyes changed suddenly, melting from anger into pain. What in the world was going on?

"Carls? What's wrong?"

"Sam, how could you just leave with her? A girl you met _last night_, and ditch your best friend? That really hurt."

I sighed, and walked over to stand in front of her. She took a step back automatically, and that was like a slap in the face.

"You can't handle this. As soon as I take even one step near you, you back up. My sexual preference is really so uncomfortable for you that you can't stand it. And yet, when I meet a friend that doesn't care about who I love, you get so jealous that it drives you crazy. I'm right, aren't I?"

"Sam—"

"Am. I. Right?"

Her eyes lowered. That was all the answer I needed. I shook my head and walked out as fast as I could, not looking back even when I heard Carly say my name. I was so furious that I wasn't looking where I was walking, and I suddenly slammed into something solid, hitting the floor.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

I nodded.

"Sam, do you want help up, or not?"

I looked up and realised who I had run into. Those blue-grey eyes could belong to only one person. Annie's hand was poised to help me up, and I took it. A jolt of electricity shot up and down my arm and I gasped. Annie didn't notice, and I tried to ignore it.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Against my better judgment, I nodded, and led the way to the place where we'd met. Somehow I knew it was the best place to talk. I sat down roughly, and Annie laughed as she always did, no longer surprised by my lack of grace. Taking a deep breath, I started at the beginning and ended with the fight I'd just had with Carly.

When I had finished, Annie was oddly silent. I knew she'd been listening because she'd asked questions throughout our conversation, but her silence was puzzling to me now.

"You okay?"

She nodded, but wouldn't look at me. She had a strange look on her face that wasn't quite sadness or pity, but something similar. I hoped I hadn't said anything to freak her out.

"Did I say something wrong?"

She shook her head, and at that moment, I knew what the look was. It was one of sadness, yes, but there was an understanding that was lingering just underneath the surface. She still wouldn't look at me, though, and that was worse than anything.

"Annie?"

Finally, she raised her eyes to mine, and I could see the tears that were there. Though I'd only known her for a short time, I could tell that she wasn't the type of person to cry easily.

"I'm sorry that this happened to you. Some people are scared by things they don't understand. They react to their fear in strange ways. Sometimes, they react violently. Mostly, they get angry. They push the people away that they claimed to love."

Her tears were falling slowly now, and I could hear the unmasked pain in her voice. What had happened to her? I moved to sit closer to her and when she rested her head on my shoulder, I didn't pull away.

"It's not right, not fair, but it does happen. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Sadly, that's just how some people are. Sometimes, they come around eventually. Hopefully Carly is one of those people. For your sake, I hope she is."

I could feel her shaking, but I didn't know if it was from the cold, or what was going on in her head. I touched her hair gently, and though there wasn't much there, it was soft to my fingers. She raised her head and I could see that she still had unshed tears that she refused to let fall.

When her lips met mine, my eyes closed of their own accord and for a moment, I couldn't move. Was this really happening? The icy wind howling ripping through me suggested that it was, but I'd had daydreams that had seemed just as real. Annie hesitantly put her hand on my shoulder and that was enough. I wrapped my arms around her, and held her as close as I could. We finally broke apart, and all I could do was stare. Four blue eyes, two cornflower blue and two that sometimes looked grey, were locked on each other. Annie was the one that broke the stare, and spoke first.

"Sam? Are you—is it okay? It's okay with me, if it is with you."

I smiled slightly, and Annie visibly relaxed.

"It's okay with me."

Annie turned to watch the snow that had just started to fall, and as the fading sun turned her hair into a blazing halo, she was the most beautiful person in the world to me. My hopes of being with Carly had ended, it was time to accept it. Maybe I could finally be with someone else. Maybe Annie, who was so different from Carly, with her short hair and men's clothing, was my chance.

**A/N: Review?**


	9. A Note From the Authour

A Note From the Authour:

I recently received a review for this story that has not only offended me, but puzzled me as well. The person in question did not log in, it was simply a guest review. You can undoubtedly guess which review I'm referring to. This review puzzles me for two reasons.

If you do not agree with lesbian/gay/bisexual content, why would you read a story that has been described as such in the summary?

Even if you do choose to read the story, why do you feel the need to insult the authour simply because you disagree with something they've done?

As a bisexual woman, I find there is nothing wrong with gays/lesbians/transgendered people/etc. This review made no reference to the story at all. It was one sentence, directed at me personally, and I do not appreciate it. I'm not going to make a big deal out of this, or get into a debate about it, but I will say that everyone should be allowed to be who they want to be. That includes who they choose to love. Why couldn't this person leave a review pertaining to the content of the story? I have no answer, and probably never will. For anyone that may have been offended or disgusted by the content of this story, I sincerely apologise.

On a side note, someone took a guess that Annie may have been based on Scarlett Johannsen (sp?). Sorry, Scarlett's an actress. Annie's based on a singer/songwriter. Good guess, though! Anyway, a new chapter will be posted soon. Sorry for the delay.


	10. Again

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I love you all. To my reviewer AIDANNE who guessed that Annie was based on Annie DeFranco, the answer is no, but you do still receive brownie points for guessing. Another hint: Yes, the woman Annie is based on is in fact named Annie, but she's not bisexual/lesbian.**

The scent of vanilla surrounded me, and completely overtook my senses. Annie's hands were winding through my hair and as her lips moved against mine, I moaned softly. Kissing Annie was more amazing than I could have ever imagined, and I never wanted the moment to end. Sadly, the moment was ruined for us when an exclamation of surprise caused us to break apart.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."

The look on Carly's face said she'd rather be anywhere but here. Annie smiled at her, and though it was meant to be comforting, I knew it was only making Carly more uncomfortable. Carly had been trying over the past two months to come to terms with Annie and me, but it wasn't easy for her. I had to give her credit for trying, though.

"Hey, Carls. Sup?"

Carly wrapped a strand of dark hair around her finger, a sure sign that she was nervous, and sighed.

"Can I talk to you, Sam?"

I nodded.

"Go ahead."

"I meant alone."

"Oh."

Annie got the message and before I could stop her, she had stood up and began walking away. I tried to call after her, but she was already gone.

"Rude, much?"

"Sorry, but this is important. I've been trying to think of a way to say this for the past two and a half months."

My heart sank as she spoke. I knew what was coming. She wasn't able to cope, and was telling me that we couldn't be friends anymore. Though I'd seen it coming, it still hurt.

"Sam…the reason I was so uncomfortable around you and…Annie, wasn't because it was gross or anything."

I frowned. Maybe this wasn't going where I'd originally thought after all.

"Okay. Then what was the reason?"

Carly stared at the ground, and I wanted to wrap my arms around her. Even after everything that had happened, a part of me still loved her and didn't want to see her in pain. I fought it though, and waited for her to continue.

"The reason was because…I—"

She paused, and I could see the tears falling down her face.

"I feel the same way about you."

Holy hell. What kind of sick joke was this?

"I—I was scared to admit it to myself, but especially to you. After the way I acted, I knew you'd never understand."

I laughed and it came out more bitter than I'd intended.

"Carly, of course I understand. I know what it's like to lie to yourself about things that you don't want to face. I did it for years about you. I just wish you could have told me. I'm your best friend."

I wrapped my arms around her in a hug, and even though I knew it was wrong, I kissed her. When she kissed me back, I couldn't describe the feeling that raced through my body like wildfire. I broke away, and her brown eyes were staring into mine so intently that I wanted to melt.

"Carly…before we do this, if it's what you want, there's something I have to do."

Carly nodded and before my courage left me, I walked away in search of Annie. This was going to be so fucking hard.

"Annie?"

She turned, and I was once more struck by her beauty. Why did this have to be so difficult? Annie was such a great person. She didn't deserve this.

"Yeah?"

"We need to talk."

Hadn't that been the exact same thing Jeff had said to me? Oh, the irony.

"Don't. You want to be with Carly. Right?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"How did you know?"

"Sam, I saw the way she was looking at you. I know that look. And I know how long you've loved her. I can't compete with that."

Annie's voice was calm, but her eyes told a different story. The pain that was reflected there was almost enough to physically knock me over.

"I understand. Don't worry about me."

She moved closer to me, and when her lips met mine, I could taste the salt of her tears. She pulled away and met my eyes briefly.

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me. It's been great, Sam. I'll miss you."

Her voice broke slightly, and she walked away before I could say another word. I felt absolutely terrible for hurting her. But I couldn't risk losing my chance with Carly. I just couldn't. I stood there a moment staring after her before I finally began walking back to where I'd left Carly. At least one good thing had come from this. That's what I was trying to tell myself, anyway.

"Hi, Sam."

I froze. I hadn't heard that voice in almost three months. I turned around and was completely speechless.

"Annie? Is that…you?"

She nodded, and I couldn't believe the difference in her. She was paler, her eyes seemed dimmer, her hair had gotten somewhat longer (but not much) and she was thinner, if that was at all possible. What in the world was going on? Carly walked up behind me and laced her fingers through mine, smiling at me, completely oblivious to Annie. When she did finally see her, I could almost feel the shock radiating from her.

"A-Annie?"

"Hi, Carly. I see you two are still together."

It was a simple statement, and Annie's voice held no resentment.

"Yeah. How—how have you been?"

She shrugged, the bones in her shoulders showing even through her shirt. It was painful to watch.

"I'm okay. I should be going, though. It was great seeing you guys."

She waved and as she walked away, I looked at Carly to find her eyes inches from my own.

"This is my fault."

"Sam, no."

"Carls, did you see her? She looks terrible."

"Baby, it's not your fault. You made a choice, and she's made hers. You didn't force her to become this way."

Carly put her hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look at her.

"It's not your fault."

"Is there some way we can help her?"

Carly was silent. I knew that no matter what she wanted me to believe, what had happened to Annie was my fault. I had to fix this. I couldn't let Annie lose herself to her pain. I would do anything to help her. Somehow, I had to help Annie find the strength to love herself again.

**A/N: Review?**


	11. Under Pressure

**A/N: To all my wonderful readers, I am apologising now for this chapter. Please don't hate me! **

I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this happy. Carly and I were laying together on her couch watching reruns of _Girly Cow _on TV, and I could have sworn she was sleeping. I stared down at the beautiful girl wrapped in my arms, running my fingers through her hair, and I just couldn't believe my luck. How did I manage to have this perfect angel in my life? I tightened my grip on her to reassure myself that she was still there, and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

If someone had told me last year that I'd be in a relationship with the most amazing girl I'd ever met, I would have said they were crazy or lying. It was the best thing that had happened to me in years. Still, I felt the pressure of what had happened to Annie weighing on my mind. How had she become so different in such a small amount of time? I knew that somehow I had to do something. But what?

Carly was beginning to wake up now, and I smiled at her. She smiled back sleepily and I kissed her softly.

"Rise and shine, baby."

She stretched and sat up, her hair a bit tangled from her nap. She was gorgeous. I released her and she stood up, making her way into the kitchen. I plopped back on the couch, but as soon as I heard the refrigerator door open, I sat up.

"You got any ham?"

"Really?"

"Carly, I'm hungryyyyyy…" I whined.

She laughed.

"You're always hungry."

"Your point?"

I flipped through the channels, pausing for a moment on _Celebrities Under Water_ and when Carly returned, there was a plate in her hand.

"Ham! Come to Mama."

I shoveled the delicious meat into my mouth as quickly as possible, and when I looked over at Carly, there was a look of faint horror on her face.

"Do you even taste it?" she asked.

"I mfow what ham pftatses like," I mumbled through a mouthful of food.

"What?"

I swallowed and held up a finger for her to wait.

"I said that I know what ham tastes like."

"Don't talk with your mouth full. That's gross."

I opened my mouth to reveal the bits of ham that I'd been chewing and Carly shrieked, laughing as she raised the pillow next to her. It connected with my face and I fell backward, laughing as well.

"Carly! Not fair!"

I debated on retaliating with a pillow, but I decided on a much better revenge. I leaned over Carly and began tickling her sides, enjoying the way she laughed and tried to escape. I paused for a moment to let her catch her breath and as soon as she did, I captured her lips with my own. I pulled away smiling, and leaned down closer, my lips brushing her ear lightly.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, Sam."

"Carly! Sam!"

I jerked awake and felt Carly do the same beside me. The door to the Shay apartment banged open and Freddie rushed in, his face alarmed.

"What, Freddelupe?"

"I just-just saw…"

He paused, trying to catch his breath.

"Saw what? A _Galaxy Wars _doll that you didn't already have?"

"No," he gasped, still breathing heavily, "Annie."

"What about Annie?"

"She…"

Freddie trailed off, but that was all I needed. I bolted from the couch and grabbed my jacket, not even waiting to see if Carly was behind me.

"Where?"

"Outside."

We ran down the stairs and I skidded slightly in the lobby. When we made it outside, the first thing my mind registered was red. At first, I wasn't quite sure what it was, but as I looked on, it became increasingly clear that what I was staring at was blood, and lying motionless in the middle of it all, was Annie. I screamed and ran to her, slipping in the wet substance under my feet.

"Annie? Annie, can you hear me?"

She moved slightly at the sound of my voice, but didn't speak. Her eyes were partly open, but I didn't know if she could really see me or not.

"What happened?"

It was Freddie who answered, his voice low and careful.

"There was a little girl. She was chasing her dog and it ran into the street. Annie got her out of the way, but…"

He couldn't finish, but it didn't matter. Annie's chest moved with her breathing, but just barely. I could see her struggling for each breath, and I took her hand in mine.

"Annie, it's Sam. If you can hear me, please. Please, hang on. I know you can do this. Don't die on me now."

Carly placed her hand on my shoulder, but I barely noticed. Annie's eyes opened and closed, but I noticed that the seconds between each was getting longer. Each time her eyes opened, I made absolutely certain that I was looking at them. I didn't want to miss them.

"Annie, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. You didn't deserve that. I know this is too late, but I'm so so sorry."

Her eyes opened and closed again, and her hand squeezed mine once before she was completely still. I watched her for a long moment before I felt Carly pulling on my arm. I jerked away and grabbed Annie's other hand. There was no response.

"Annie? Annie?! No! Annie!"

I felt Carly and Freddie grab my arms, pulling me away. I fought with everything I had. I couldn't leave Annie. She needed me, I couldn't leave her alone. Someone was screaming loudly, without stopping, and it was nearly two minutes before I understood that it was me. Carly and Freddie kept dragging me backward, and it was only then that I saw the ambulance and police cruisers behind us.

"Carly, we can't leave her! She needs us."

"Sam…" Carly's voice broke, "there's nothing we can do."

As what she was saying finally sank in, all the strength I had left without warning. I collapsed in her arms, and I felt Freddie holding me as well. I couldn't fight it anymore. The tears fell without stopping, and I wouldn't have stopped them if I could have. How could this have happened? It wasn't fair. Annie didn't deserve this.

I could hear Freddie speaking to someone, the family of the little girl Annie had saved I would later learn, but I couldn't bring myself to look up. I buried my face in Carly's shoulder and let the pain wash over me. How was I going to deal with this? As I sobbed uncontrollably, I found myself wondering how I could keep from breaking under pressure.

**A/N: In honour of Annie, I'll reveal who she was based on. The inspiration for Annie was the amazingly gorgeous and talented Annie Lennox, lead singer of Eurythmics and solo artist. Review?**


	12. Lost

**A/N: For those of you that were taken by surprise by Annie's death, don't feel bad. I never intended for Annie to die, either. I originally had a completely different plot line for her. Sometimes stories take on a life of their own, though. Enjoy.**

Open.

Close.

Open.

Close.

Open…

…close.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. All I could do was remember. Annie's eyes danced before me, opening and closing as they did right before her last breath. I couldn't get away from them. They followed my every move, they haunted my dreams and tore them apart. I remembered how cold her hand had been in mine. The way her once-bright blue eyes had gone dull and listless. I didn't think I'd ever be able to look at the colour red in the same way again. It reminded me of her hair, so fiery, and of the blood—her blood—that had painted the street. Every now and then I thought I'd seen her passing me on the street, or in the park. A look, a walk, or sometimes even someone's voice would be enough to send me sprinting down the sidewalk only to realise that it wasn't her. That it would never be her again.

I'd been sleeping at Carly's, but we hadn't really spoken since _it_ happened. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I kept replaying the last time Annie had spoken to me. She'd sounded so distant, so broken. Now there was nothing I could do to help her. She'd needed me and I let her down. I hadn't gone to school in two weeks, but since school had never really been all that important to me, I didn't really care.

"Sam? Are you awake?"

Carly. Soft and quiet. I nodded, unable to bring myself to speak. She padded softly into the room and sat down on the couch next to me. Her hand stroked my hair gently, but still I couldn't think of anything but Annie. She'd deserved so much better, she'd had her entire life ahead of her.

"Did you see her eyes?"

"What?"

"Annie. Did you see her eyes?"

"Oh. Yeah, I saw them."

I turned over onto my back so that I could see her.

"I see them all the time. Even if I close my eyes, they're still there."

Carly's hand never stopped its motion through my hair, and it was surprisingly comforting.

"Why her? Of all the people in Seattle, why Annie? She was so young, so beautiful, dammit, she was one of the most selfless people I've ever met!"

"Sam, don't," Carly's voice was thick with tears.

"No! Carly, it wasn't fair! It shouldn't have been her. If it had to be anyone, it should have been me."

Carly froze, her eyes wide and fearful.

"Sam, baby, you don't mean that."

I nodded fervently, my hair flying. Why couldn't she understand that I was completely serious? I deserved to die after the heartless way I'd treated Annie. Annie, who had seemed so harsh at first, who had given everything she had when she loved someone, and who had given her life to save an innocent little girl.

"Don't you get it? It wasn't supposed to be like this! It wasn't supposed to be her! It wasn't sup-p-posed to be h-her!"

I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let my body fall into Carly's arms and sobbed, not caring who saw or heard. Nothing was ever going to make this better. Nothing could bring Annie back, and even though we had ended our relationship, we had been friends, and in a way, I loved her. Carly held me as I cried, and I could hear footsteps on the stairs as Spencer came into the living room to investigate.

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Honestly, Spencer, I don't know."

"At least Annie died for something worthwhile."

"Worthwhile?!" I screamed, "Was Annie's death a _good_ thing? Is that it?"

"Sam, I didn't mean it like that," Spencer said quietly, "I meant that she died saving another person. A helpless child. Would you rather have had that little girl die?"

I opened my mouth to answer, then stopped abruptly. Spencer had a point. In the end, Annie had definitely been an angel who'd gotten her wings. But that didn't make losing her any easier.

"It hurts so much." I could barely speak through my tears.

"I know, kiddo. Losing someone you love always hurts. But just remember: Annie was a hero. Because of her, that family doesn't have to live without their little girl. They'll never forget it, either. They'll be in debt to Annie forever, even if they can't repay it to her personally."

Even though I knew that what Spencer was saying made sense, I still felt a bitter resentment towards that family. Hadn't they ever told their daughter not to run out into the road? How hard was it to listen? And hadn't they been watching her? I knew that I shouldn't blame them for Annie's death because Annie would have done the same thing even if it had just been the dog in the road, but it was so hard. I was surrounded by the people I considered my family, and the girl I loved, but even in the middle of that warmth and support, I'd never felt so alone and lost.

**A/N: Review? Sorry it's so short.**


	13. Vengeance

**A/N: Thanks so much to all my wonderful reviewers. To the reviewer who sent me a PM that was so mad about Annie's death, please forgive me! I loved Annie, too. And she may be dead, but she's certainly not gone.**

"Sam?"

I didn't look up.

"Sam. Look at me."

Wait a minute…I raised my head from the pillow and my eyes widened.

"A-Annie?"

"Sam, you have to get up. You can't keep lying around like this. You're scaring Carly."'

What the fuck was going on? This wasn't possible. It couldn't be. Annie was dead. There was no way that this could be happening.

"Sam, listen to me. You have to stop this. Please."

"Annie, I can't help it. What happened to you, it…it wasn't fair."

Her smile was just the way I remembered it. She looked better than the last time I'd spoken to her. She wasn't as thin, her hair was short and neat, and her eyes shone.

"It's okay. I don't regret it. I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't done something to save that little girl. I had to."

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I looked away. Even now, I couldn't let her see me cry.

"You weren't supposed to die."

The tears fell. I felt Annie's hand on my shoulder, but it was a strange sensation. It was as if there was an invisible barrier between her hand and my body. This was by far the strangest night of my life.

"I'm fine now. It's not as bad as it seems."

"I was going to help you. It was my fault that you were slowly sinking."

"It wouldn't have mattered. I probably wouldn't have made it very far anyway. It wasn't all your fault, anyway. I was giving up, to say the least."

"Annie…I'm so sorry."

Annie smiled sadly.

"I know. I heard you the last time I was alive."

I was shocked.

"You could hear me?"

She nodded.

"I couldn't see you, but I could still hear."

I was somewhat relieved. I'd been so afraid that Annie had died without ever knowing that I was truly sorry for how I'd behaved. It was one of the few times I'd ever felt sorry for something I'd done. Contrary to what people thought, I did have a conscience. Annie was so undeniably good, and I was exactly the opposite. In a way, she and Carly were alike. Both were very sweet and tried to always do the right thing. Unfortunately, it had cost Annie her life. It just wasn't fair.

"Annie, you know that I really did care about you, right?"

Her eyes were soft.

"I know. I cared about you, too. It really hurt when we broke up, but I understand why you did it. I would have done the same thing."

"No, you wouldn't have."

"Well, you're right, but it was worth a shot," she laughed.

It was such a typical Annie response that I couldn't help but smile. God, I missed her.

"I wish it could have been different."

"Sam, who are you talking to?"

Shit. For a brief moment, I considered lying, but I knew I couldn't pull it off.

"Um…I was um…."

"Sam?"

"Annie. I was talking to Annie."

Carly stared at me as if she'd never seen me before. It would have been funny if I hadn't been so nervous.

"Sam…"

"She was here. I saw her," it was out of my mouth before I knew what was happening.

"Sam…Annie's dead. Remember?"

Carly's eyes were gentle, and I suddenly regretted telling her anything. She took a step closer to me and I instantly wrapped my arms around her. I crushed my lips against hers desperately and when she tried to speak, I cut her off with another kiss. I didn't want to talk anymore. I wanted to get lost in her, to forget the searing pain, Annie, everything but her.

Would there ever be a day that I wouldn't be lost in the numbing pain? Annie was gone, and even though I knew thinking about her wouldn't bring her back, I couldn't get her off my mind. I knew that she would want me to be happy with Carly, and focus on the good result of her death when I did think of her, to remember the good times we'd had together. Yes, it all made perfect sense to my head. The part of me that had trouble accepting this was my heart.

"Sam—"

I pulled her down to the bed next to me, and ran my hands through her long hair. I felt Carly slowly begin to relax and I pushed her back onto the bed. I heard her gasp slightly, but I didn't care. I needed this, needed _her_, more than ever. It was only as I paused to take a breath that I noticed Carly looking at me with concern deep in her eyes. I kissed her again and as I held her, I could taste the salt as fresh tears fell from my eyes with a vengeance.

**A/N: Review, please?**


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